I don't want to sound like a whiny snot or an idiot, though I will, so I'll just accept it now. I do not understand how Mother's Day works now that I am a mother.
I mean, I get the call your mom part.
But when it comes to me, as a mother, I don't get it. Here specifically is what I don't get:
When your pregnant, everyone and their brother, especially anyone who is bound to get a promotion in relationship (as in grandparent or great-grandparent or aunt etc) calls and tells you Happy Mother's day. They even send small gifts of jewelry or nice cards or flowers.
Then you become an actual mother by delivering the child. Your husband is very sweet to you, especially if you're breastfeeding every hour still, because he is dumbfounded that you haven't actually put your child down since it was born. Except that briefest of five minutes for a hot shower when you insisted on washing your hair. Also, your best friend or sister tells you Happy Mother's Day, and all your friends that happen to be mothers say Happy Mother's Day as well as tell you what a great mom you are. You do the same to them (and you do mean it -you're not just saying it to stay in the club).
But the people who the year before sent small gifts and flowers? Your own mother or grandmother, not to mention mother-in-law and so on?
Nothing.
Not even a "And same to you" when you tell them Happy Mother's Day on your obligatory fire prevention phone call you do every year so that you don't spend your summer with a sulking and bitter mother.
As my 18 month old son says with accompanying hand motion, what gives?
Does it just work to the generation up with exceptions made when you're pregnant? So until I die, I will be telling my mother and mother-in-law happy mother's day and they never have to say it to me?
This is where I realize that no matter how old I get or how enlightened or how many yoga poses I master, when it comes to my relationship with my own mothers (actual, in-law, what have you) I am still 13 years old. I hate this. I hate being that woman who in all ways feels smart, accomplished and happy with her life, but inside, is still a 13 year old who wants approval. Not even the full stamp of approval like they do to beef in the supermarket, but just a half a sentence from one of the mothers saying happy mother's day. Oh, and they think I am a terrific mom, because my son is an utter delight to be around. Because he is.
My husband tells me often I am a great mom. And I think I am, not because I like to brag, but I do think I am a good mom to my son. He is a happy, sweet, smart, funny and all around awesome little boy, and I don't think he would be if I wasn't. He also hugs me often, which I think means he likes me.
I know, I know. Even as I have that voice in my head protesting, "Would it kill ya to wish me a nice mother's day?" I know, this is reward enough.
As always, in these icky-I-feel-like-a-bitch-but-I-do-kind-of-have-an-issue-here moments, I think (because I'm a mom and it's what moms do) what would I tell my son if it were him? And of course, I'd tell him approval be damned. Or in the words of my Thai fortune teller: the people who love you and understand you, love you and understand you. The people who love you and don't understand you, don't understand you.
So I'll just meditate on that as I strike a yoga pose.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
Does it have to be so hostile?
PBS recently ran a Frontline episode on vaccines, called "The Vaccine War." This is the kind of thing that drives me crazy - as if there aren't enough antagonizing issues out there especially in realm of parenting. I hate the word "war" and that it gets used in this kind of context, as if to suggest there is not room for all views or that the answer lies in one side trumping the other. Dr. Jay Gordon says as much in his response, "PBS, Shame on You." Dr. Gordon's view on vaccines is my favorite take on an usually positional and polarizing issue. He asks a lot of good questions about vaccines and the current vaccination schedule. He also finds value in both sides. Mostly, in the vaccine debate, it's the positional attitude each side takes that I hate. Even if I agree with one side or the other, I hate the attitude that one side is right while the other completely wrong.
Generally, in parenting, I think different things work for different families, and there is not a "one-size-fits-all" approach. In terms of vaccines, for us it came down to a series of choices we were making. If I wasn't going to breastfeed, or if our baby was going into a large daycare at six weeks old, then we would have made very different choices.
Mostly, it came down to our (really, my) gut feeling and I do agree with Dr. Gordon: all the shots that a 3 month old gets on the current schedule make me squemish. It seems like an awful lot of chemicals to be injecting into such a small body. Also, for me, there are still too many unknown questions about vaccines. Even if the research shows vaccines are not responsible for the increase in Autism, we cannot deny that there is a rise in Autism; it must be linked to something - if not, vaccines, then what?
The squemish feeling also comes as much from the big business side of vaccines (i.e. that the people researching them happen to be or related to the companies making and selling them) as the fear-based knee jerk reaction that dictate everyone needs them. Last year's Swine flu debacle may serve as an example of the fear that circulates around illnesses and their vaccines.
So we put them off. We put off all his shots. Then we traveled.
It is our traveling that has people ask our take on vaccines. I did do a lot of research before our child was born and before we traveled. Before all my research, I knew that I was not worried about my child contracting polio. After all my research and confirming that we are not going to any of the remote villages in the four remaining countries where polio still exists, I still am not worried about my child contracting polio. Also, we continue to do research as we travel. We always check the WHO website before going to a new place. It's never a fully resolved issue - but what is in parenting? The sting of parenting does mean that you always question if you made the right choice even as you know you made the right choice with the information you had at that moment.
Our doctor in Singapore (Singapore does heavily vaccinate no questions asked) was rare in that she respected our views and even, quietly, agreed with them. She said, usually Singapore pediatricians would give us a hard time and if we stayed in Singapore, our son would have to get his shots to go to school. But she also said, regardless of where we go, he's fine without them. And, at 18 months, our son is still breastfed, and we ensure that his diet is nutritious and unprocessed to keep his immune system strong. Again, it's a series of choices...
Generally, in parenting, I think different things work for different families, and there is not a "one-size-fits-all" approach. In terms of vaccines, for us it came down to a series of choices we were making. If I wasn't going to breastfeed, or if our baby was going into a large daycare at six weeks old, then we would have made very different choices.
Mostly, it came down to our (really, my) gut feeling and I do agree with Dr. Gordon: all the shots that a 3 month old gets on the current schedule make me squemish. It seems like an awful lot of chemicals to be injecting into such a small body. Also, for me, there are still too many unknown questions about vaccines. Even if the research shows vaccines are not responsible for the increase in Autism, we cannot deny that there is a rise in Autism; it must be linked to something - if not, vaccines, then what?
The squemish feeling also comes as much from the big business side of vaccines (i.e. that the people researching them happen to be or related to the companies making and selling them) as the fear-based knee jerk reaction that dictate everyone needs them. Last year's Swine flu debacle may serve as an example of the fear that circulates around illnesses and their vaccines.
So we put them off. We put off all his shots. Then we traveled.
It is our traveling that has people ask our take on vaccines. I did do a lot of research before our child was born and before we traveled. Before all my research, I knew that I was not worried about my child contracting polio. After all my research and confirming that we are not going to any of the remote villages in the four remaining countries where polio still exists, I still am not worried about my child contracting polio. Also, we continue to do research as we travel. We always check the WHO website before going to a new place. It's never a fully resolved issue - but what is in parenting? The sting of parenting does mean that you always question if you made the right choice even as you know you made the right choice with the information you had at that moment.
Our doctor in Singapore (Singapore does heavily vaccinate no questions asked) was rare in that she respected our views and even, quietly, agreed with them. She said, usually Singapore pediatricians would give us a hard time and if we stayed in Singapore, our son would have to get his shots to go to school. But she also said, regardless of where we go, he's fine without them. And, at 18 months, our son is still breastfed, and we ensure that his diet is nutritious and unprocessed to keep his immune system strong. Again, it's a series of choices...
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